Funny Life Quotes | Keep Laughing

Life doesn’t have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes

If you are going to be weird, be confident about it.

When you want something really bad, crying for it isn’t going to work nearly as good as complaining!

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. – Will Rogers

When nothing goes right……. go left

Follow your heart but take your brain with you

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times just to be sure.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

Life does offer you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow.

If you’re naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don’t like.

On the internet you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.

The best things in life are free. The rest are too expensive.

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married.

I keep telling myself to stop talking to weirdos but then I wouldn’t have any friends left.

I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

At night, I can’t sleep. In the morning, I can’t wake up.

Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

I try to be nice person, but sometimes my mouth doesn’t corporate.

Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed.

To err is human; to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

Out of all the lies I’ve told, Just kidding! is my favorite.

Wi-Fi went down for 5 minutes, so I had to talk to my family.They seem like nice people.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

It’s funny how 8 glass of water seems impossible, but 8 glasses of wine can be done in one meal.

You can’t make somebody love you. You can only stalk them and hope for best.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. 

All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.

Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.

I am going to be very busy in the afterlife. The list of people I am going to haunt is increasing every day.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Cure for an obsession, get another one.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

I’m great in bed; I can sleep for days.

It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

I stay up late every night and realize it’s a bad idea every morning.

Some people are like clouds, when they disappear, it’s a brighter day.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.

God please give me patience, if you give me the strength I will just punch them in the face.

Did you ever notice, whenever you need your keys the most, that’s when they’re the hardest to find?

The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life; if I die next Tuesday.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.

Gambling is the sure way of getting nothing from something.

If you are looking for perfection, buy yourself a Barbie doll

God gives the nuts, but he does not crack them.

Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

One careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire

I may look calm. But in my head, I have killed you about 5 times.

When someone says to me, great mind think alike, I just look at them and think ‘you dirty bastard’

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Expert – a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

God gives nothing to those who keep their arms crossed.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid.

You already know something you don’t even know that you know.

Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life.

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.